{"title":"Floral","description":null,"products":[{"product_id":"youre-not-a-regular-cunt-youre-the-deluxe-edition-candle","title":"You're Not A Regular Cunt, You're The Deluxe Edition Candle","description":"\u003ch2\u003eYou're Not A Regular Cunt, You're The Deluxe Edition\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eScent: Spring Freesia + Amberwood\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003eNot everyone has what it takes to be this spectacularly irritating. Most people dabble in the occasional moment of cuntish behaviour. But you? You've committed to the lifestyle. Full-time. No days off. You have the confidence, the audacity, and the remarkable ability to say something wildly unnecessary in every single situation. It’s not just annoying—it’s practically a skill. With elegant notes of spring freesia, warm amberwood, and a hint of “top-tier fucking audacity,” it’s fresh, smooth, and far classier than the behaviour it’s clearly inspired by. Hand-poured with coconut and soy wax, vegan and cruelty-free, it’s perfect for lighting while appreciating the rare talent it takes to be this confidently unbearable.\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003ch3\u003eYou're Not A Regular Cunt, You're The Deluxe Edition - Pro Tip\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003eGift this to someone who truly deserves recognition for their world-class level of cuntery. If they laugh, they’ve got self-awareness. If they get offended… well, the candle clearly did its job.\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003ch3\u003eWarning\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eNot responsible for bruised egos, shattered illusions or the sudden urge to start ranking people by cunt tier. Side effects include ruthless boundary setting and the comforting knowledge that while many people are annoying… only a select few achieve deluxe cunt status.\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Astrollogy Candles","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":52554680762715,"sku":null,"price":10.5,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0795\/9783\/0491\/files\/Untitleddesign-2026-03-10T215909.293.png?v=1773179999"},{"product_id":"may-his-teeth-fall-out-when-he-smiles-at-other-bitches","title":"May His Teeth Fall Out When He Smiles At Other Bitches Candle","description":"\u003ch2\u003eMay His Teeth Fall Out When He Smiles At Other Bitches\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eScent: Nectarine Blossom + Strawberry\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\n\u003cspan\u003eI'm not saying be jealous... I'm just saying \u003c\/span\u003e\u003cspan\u003eif he’s out there flashing that smile at women he has absolutely no business smiling at, then a small, deeply satisfying part of you still hopes the universe restores order in the pettiest form -\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cspan\u003e hoping karma clocks in for overtime. May his flirting flop, his chat dry up, and may that smug little smile lose a few fucking teeth along the way. If he's going to act like he's God's gift to women, he can do it while sipping soup through a straw.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cspan\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cspan\u003eScented with juicy nectarine blossom, sweet strawberry, and a hint of \"fuck around and find out\" this candle is equal parts sweet, petty, and delightfully vindictive. Hand-poured with coconut and soy wax, vegan and cruelty-free, it's perfect for embracing your inner menace without having to lift a perfectly manicured finger yet \u003c\/span\u003e\u003cspan\u003ealso fully capable of wishing minor dental disasters upon disloyal men.\u003c\/span\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003ch3\u003eMay His Teeth Fall Out When He Smiles At Other Bitches - Pro Tip\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eLight this whenever he starts acting like loyalty is a suggestion instead of the bare fucking minimum. Then sit back and let the universe handle the rest.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003ch3\u003eWarning\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cp\u003e\u003cspan\u003eMay result in uncontrollable pettiness, suspiciously timed dental emergencies, and the overwhelming belief that the universe has an exceptional sense of humour when it comes to karma and comedic timing.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/p\u003e","brand":"Astrollogy Candles","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":53777355309403,"sku":null,"price":10.5,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0795\/9783\/0491\/files\/NewBackgrounds_11.png?v=1786655419"},{"product_id":"karmasutra-when-life-fucks-you-in-all-sorts-of-creative-ways-candle","title":"Karmasutra... When Life Fucks You In All Sorts Of Creative Ways Candle","description":"\u003ch2\u003eKarmasutra... When Life Fucks You In All Sorts Of Creative Ways\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eScent: Coconut Water + Hibiscus Bloom\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eYou wake up thinking it’ll be a normal day. By lunchtime, life has bent you into three emotional positions you didn’t know existed, kicked your bank balance in the shins, and thrown in a surprise plot twist just for sport. At this point you’re not even shocked - you’re just lying there thinking,that’s definitely a new way to get fucked over.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\n\u003cspan\u003e\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eScented with refreshing coconut water, vibrant hibiscus and a hint of “are you taking the piss, universe?”, this candle brings a little tropical calm while life continues its Olympic-level bullshit gymnastics. Hand-poured with coconut and soy wax, vegan and cruelty-free, it’s perfect for those moments when the universe decides you’re its favourite stress toy.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003ch3\u003eKarmasutra... When Life Fucks You In All Sorts Of Creative Ways - Pro Tip\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eLight this when everything’s gone spectacularly tits up and you need five minutes to laugh, swear and accept that life clearly owns the deluxe edition of the Karmasutra.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003ch3\u003eWarning\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003eMay cause aggressive eye-rolling, sarcastic enlightenment, and the sudden realisation that the universe absolutely has a sense of humour - and you’re the punchline.\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv id=\"x_ms-outlook-mobile-body-separator-line\" dir=\"auto\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e","brand":"Astrollogy Candles","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":53798286131547,"sku":null,"price":10.5,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0795\/9783\/0491\/files\/NewBackgrounds_4.png?v=1786882993"},{"product_id":"people-are-arseholes-just-make-sure-youre-not-the-toilet-paper-candle","title":"People Are Arseholes, Just Make Sure You're Not The Toilet Paper Candle","description":"\u003ch2\u003ePeople Are Arseholes, Just Make Sure You're Not The Toilet Paper\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eScent: Ylang Ylang Bloom + Green Stem\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eLet’s face it, people can be absolute fucking arseholes. They’ll dump their problems on you, wipe their emotional shit all over your boundaries all while expecting you to clean up after them like you're the human equivalent of fucking bog roll. But you don't have to be the toilet paper. You can have boundaries, standards and the glorious ability to say, “that's your shit - wipe your own fucking arse.”\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\n\u003cspan\u003e\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003eScented with delicate ylang ylang bloom, fresh green stems and a hint of “I'm not cleaning up your bullshit,” this candle is floral, fresh and considerably more pleasant than most people. Hand-poured with coconut and soy wax, vegan and cruelty-free, it’s perfect for protecting your peace, strengthening your boundaries, and reminding everyone else to deal with their own fucking mess.\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003ch3\u003ePeople Are Arseholes, Just Make Sure You're Not The Toilet Paper - Pro Tip\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003eLight this whenever someone starts dumping their emotional diarrhoea at your feet. Remember: you're a person, not fucking Andrex. Let them take their shit elsewhere.\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003ch3\u003eWarning\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eMay cause savage boundary-setting, reduced tolerance for emotional diarrhea and the sudden realisation that some people need a therapist, a bin and a roll of toilet paper but none of those things need to be you.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e","brand":"Astrollogy Candles","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":53800259879259,"sku":null,"price":10.5,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0795\/9783\/0491\/files\/People_Are_Arseholes_Just_Make_Sure_You_re_Not_The_Toilet_Paper_Candle_-_Astrollogy_Candles.png?v=1786916208"},{"product_id":"some-shitty-people-are-like-clouds-when-they-disappear-its-a-beautiful-day-candle","title":"Some Shitty People Are Like Clouds, When They Disappear It's A Beautiful Day Candle","description":"\u003ch2\u003eSome Shitty People Are Like Clouds, When They Disappear It's A Beautiful Day\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eScent: Clean Cotton + Lily Florals\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eSome people really do have a remarkable talent for sucking the sunshine out of every fucking room they enter. Then they finally disappear and suddenly... birds are singing, your blood pressure drops, and life feels suspiciously fucking lovely. Coincidence? Absolutely not. Sometimes the best weather forecast is simply “that prick has left.”\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\n\u003cspan\u003e\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eScented with fresh clean cotton, delicate lily florals, and a hint of “finally, some fucking peace and quiet,” this candle smells like opening every window after a toxic bastard has left the building. Hand-poured with coconut and soy wax, vegan and cruelty-free, it’s perfect for cleansing your space of bad vibes, unnecessary drama, and people who somehow turn every conversation into a fucking hostage situation.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003ch3\u003eSome Shitty People Are Like Clouds, When They Disappear It's A Beautiful Day - Pro Tip\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eLight this when someone you can't stand leaves the room. Take a deep breath, enjoy the silence, and appreciate how fucking beautiful life becomes when the human cloud has fucked off.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003ch3\u003eWarning\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eMay cause sudden happiness, improved mood, spontaneous dancing, and the shocking discovery that you actually quite like life when certain people aren't ruining it.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e","brand":"Astrollogy Candles","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":53805969113435,"sku":null,"price":10.5,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0795\/9783\/0491\/files\/NewBackgrounds_17.png?v=1787000230"},{"product_id":"i-spiritually-align-with-the-praying-mantis-cos-i-dont-chase-men-i-lure-them-in-then-emotionally-devour-them-candle","title":"I Spiritually Align With The Praying Mantis Cos' I Don't Chase Men, I Lure Them In Then Emotionally Devour Them Candle","description":"\u003ch2\u003eI Spiritually Align With The Praying Mantis Cos' I Don't Chase Men, I Lure Them In Then Emotionally Devour Them\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eScent: Pink Yuzu Sorbet + Jasmine\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003eWho knew the praying mantis was basically the original femme fatale: beautiful, mysterious, perfectly composed and absolutely fucking lethal. No three-month talking stage. Just seduce, devour, devastate. She's the patron saint of women who've realised chasing men is exhausting when you can simply sit pretty and let them wander into your perfectly scented emotional death trap. Why pursue when you can lure, charm, emotionally dismantle and move on.\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\n\u003cspan\u003e\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eScented with zesty pink yuzu sorbet, intoxicating jasmine, and a hint of “Off with his head” this candle is sweet, seductive and absolutely fucking unhinged. Hand-poured with coconut and soy wax, vegan and cruelty-free, it’s perfect for channeling your inner femme fatale while attracting the attention and letting men confidently walk themselves into their own emotional downfall.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003ch3\u003eI Spiritually Align With The Praying Mantis Cos' I Don't Chase Men, I Lure Them In Then Emotionally Devour Them - Pro Tip\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eDon't chase him. Don't convince him. Don't explain yourself. Let the little fucker walk directly into the trap because the mantis doesn't ghost - she consumes.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003ch3\u003eWarning\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eMay cause dangerously high levels of femme fatal energy, seductive eye contact, reduced sympathy for fuckboys and an increased tendency to view emotionally unavailable men as walking fucking appetisers.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e","brand":"Astrollogy Candles","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":53845128184155,"sku":null,"price":10.5,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0795\/9783\/0491\/files\/NewBackgrounds_18.png?v=1787259881"},{"product_id":"fuck-the-patriarchy-because-women-dont-owe-you-a-single-fuck-candle","title":"Fuck The Patriarchy Because Women Don't Owe You A Single Fuck Candle","description":"\u003ch2\u003eFuck The Patriarchy Because Women Don't Owe You A Single Fuck\u003c\/h2\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eScent: Gardenia Bloom + Sugar Blush\u003c\/p\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eSome men still walk through life acting like women exist for their convenience as though attention is owed, boundaries are non existent and “no” is just part of a negotiation stage. This one's for every woman who is done being treated like she exists merely for anyone’s access, validation or ego boost.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\n\u003cspan\u003e\u003c\/span\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eScented with soft gardenia, sugar blush and a hint of “women don't owe you shit”, this candle smells like feminine rage wrapped in silk and sharpened boundaries. Hand-poured with coconut and soy wax, vegan and cruelty-free, it’s perfect for reclaiming your space, your peace, and your right to exist without explanation or permission.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003ch3\u003eFuck The Patriarchy Because Women Don't Owe You A Single Fuck - Pro Tip\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eLight this when a man says “I’m a nice guy” and expects that to override every red flag he’s actively waving or when he acts shocked that “no” is a complete sentence and doesn’t come with a debate.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\u003cbr\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003ch3\u003eWarning\u003c\/h3\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\n\u003cdiv dir=\"auto\"\u003e\u003cspan\u003eMay cause savage clarity, stronger boundaries and the complete loss of interest in explaining yourself to men committed to misunderstanding you.\u003c\/span\u003e\u003c\/div\u003e\n\u003c\/div\u003e","brand":"Astrollogy Candles","offers":[{"title":"Default Title","offer_id":53845160100187,"sku":null,"price":10.5,"currency_code":"GBP","in_stock":true}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0795\/9783\/0491\/files\/NewBackgrounds_19.png?v=1787260486"}],"thumbnail_url":"\/\/cdn.shopify.com\/s\/files\/1\/0795\/9783\/0491\/collections\/FRUITY.png?v=1786658531","url":"https:\/\/astrollogycandles.co.uk\/collections\/floral.oembed","provider":"Astrollogy Candles","version":"1.0","type":"link"}